hello aini

on the day that I finally find you, I’m going to appologize.

I’m going to appologize for breaking your wings..:D

because when I find you, I’m going to break your wings apart, so that you can’t fly back to heaven [and stay with me till my world's full with you..^-^].

on the day that I finally find you, I’m going to say “no”,

for no one will I love after you,and no one have I loved as much as I love you..^-^

on the day that I finally find you, I’m going to bore you..

I’m going to tell you this “I love you”, until you’re sick and tired of hearing it, until you’re immune to it…

on the day that I finally find you, I’m going to thank you….

for settling me down………

and that I: Aini Rachmania..am..your..angel….. ~.^-^.~ =]

the question is: WILL I ACTUALLY FIND YOU?? huuuahahahahhahaaaa…:D

you told me everything when your world fell apart and you could only say nothing at all. I need to know nothing that it hurts you to be lonely and not in love.

I see those weariness in your shattered mind. It’s hard for you to stand still in a world of madness.

It breaks my heart to see you in so much pain and silence. You will have to be strong and tough for yourself, but at the same time you’re too fragile to stay that hard.

I don’t know what to say to you, and that’s the truth. I see that you were a bit lost, but you were trying desperately to stay on your defense..

The whole time you were leaning against me I never knew whether you truly needed me.. you never said so, and I never wanted to believe my feeling about you.

If we ever should be parted then I should be afraid. For I’ll never get to tell you how much I actually loved you. I know it wouldn’t make any difference at all whether you know it..

don’t hold me back from loving you, I’m not scared to break my own heart. It hurts to be in love with you, but it hurts more when I couldn’t even say it.

you were so distant in a way that I couldn’t imagine how your gaze would be if I were starring at you. you stayed in your state really hard that I backed off so far. You’re so cold and closed when it comes to this. If it’s only a matter of memories, it should’ve gone far too long from now. but the fact is we’re here, listening to each other voices, interpreting ourselves with our best feeling, leaving our heart to be guessing in empty space. why do we chose to live this path? was it the only option? was I too much in doubt about you?

I know you don’t love me and I know you don’t need me at all, you only need the world to understand you and I was the only person left to comfort you. I’m not yours but I can barely go anywhere with you still there. Leave me and listen to me when I tell you that I love you. Go away and bring the fact that I love you. I’m different and might not be made for you, but I had you to know that I love you and that I don’t need you to love me. If you want to love me, love me because I love you..=]

a few days ago

yes..but I won her back!!! MUWAAHHAAHHAHAHA!!!

jadii, sabtu kemaren sepertii biasa temen saya pesiar darii akpol. dan seperti biasa juga, dia nyempetin telpun diriku. tapi yang agak gabiasa, di akir pembicaraan dia minta tolong sesuatu:

dia: “nia nia..bisa minta tolong nggak..?”

saya: “apa ris?”

dia: “kirimin votomu donk..”

saya: “lewat e-mail..” [baru mau dtrusin ngomong "atau FS?"]

dia: “lewat pos.”

saya: *termanguBeberapaSaat* “Pos?hah?”

dia: “hehe..iya nia..lewat pos. Bersama sepucuk surat..”

saya: *masihTermanguDanSpeechless* “Surat…?harii ginii..?ahahahaaa…”

dia: “hehehe..iya nia..biar kayak shakespeare..”

saya: *-_-”*

jadiilah saya bingung2 gimanaa gitu. gimana enggak? terakir kirim surat tuh SD. SD,,bayangin!! ituupun kerna ada pelajaran basa Indonesia..hwekekekekkk… tapii dengan sedikit lucu2an,,akirnya saya pun menulis sepucuk surat hari Senen kemaren dan hari Rabu ini berangkatlah saya ke kantor pos.

Sampe disana, mulai deh terjadi hal2 konyol. Masuk ke kantor pos sudah ada antrian dua kolom. yang satu ngantri di depan petugas cowok, satunya ngantri di depan petugas cewek. karena nggak tau pembagian antriannya, dengan agak2 nggakpede saya ngantri di line petugas cewek. sepuluh menitan berdiri ngantri, sampelah saya di meja petugas.

petugascewekyangwajahnyajudes: “apa mbak?”

saya: “mau ngirim surat mbak..” *yaiialah. masak ngirim sembako-_-”*

petugascewekyangwajahnyajudes: *tanpaEkspresiDanKata2MenunjukKeAntrianSebelah* “…”

saya: [dalam hati:kurang aseemm...!!Ternyata saya salah antriaannn!!] “oh….” *denganMukaMulaiSedikitMalu*

oke saya pun ngantri di depan antrian petugas cowok. sampe di meja,

saya: “mau ngirim surat mas..” *sambil ngasi surat saya*

petugascowokyangsumringah: *Tiba2MauMengelemSuratSaya*

saya: “eeehh maas…!tunggu…!”

petugascowokyangtiba2agakkaget: “knapa mbak??”

saya: “jangan ditutup dulu mas,saya mau masukin prangko balesan ke dalem surat saya..”

petugascowokyangkembalisumringah: “ooo..yasudah,mbak ngantri ke sana lagi ya buwat beli prangkonya…” *sambilNunjukPetugascewekyangmukanyajudes*

saya: -_-” [dalem ati: mbak iku maneh..T_T]

maka saya ngantri lagii di mbaknya. Mbak itupun masih tanpa kata2, nyobek beberapa prangko dan ngasih ke saya. saya kasih lagi ke petugas cowok.

petugascowokyangkembalisumringah: *masukin prangko2 itu ke amplop,nutup amplop saya dan nimbang surat saya* “sepuluh ribu ya mbak..”

saya kasih deh uang sepuluh ribu. terus masnya nyetakin resit. ehhh saya donk dengan bodohnya tanya:

saya: “mas itu tadi prangko yang saya belii tuh prangko kilat kan?”

petugascowokyangsumringah: *nahanKetawa* “eumh…nggak ada mbak sekarang yang namanya prangko kilat.. adanya prangko standar, 4rebu. sampenya 3harian. kalo mau cepet ya dibawa ke kantor pos, sampe sehari.”

saya: *sedikitlebiimalu* “ooo…iia iia..”

tapi dasar petugas gatau saya lagii malu,,malah nambain gini:

petugascowokyangsumringah: *masiNahanKEtawa* “hehe. prangko kilat kan udah lama ga ada mbak..mbak nggakpernah kirim surat yaa…”

saya: *lebiiMaluLagii* “iia mas..-_-” ”

petugascowokyangsumringah ini mulaii agak rese..: “lho kalo cuman surat satu lembar kenapa nggak SMS aja mbak??”

saya: [dalem ati: kurang aseeemmm....T_T udah ngegojlokin saya,,diterusiiin ajahhh...bagooossss] “hehe..iia mas..gapapa..sekalii2..:D ”

setelah mas itu ngasik saya resit nya,saya pun ngeluyur pergi. ehh tiba2 ada suara2 manggil saya: “mbaaakkk mbaaaakkk”

saya pun noleh. ternyata ehh ternyata..ituu petugas cewek yang judes yang manggil saya. ada apa ya?

petugascewekyangmukanyajudes: “mbak belom bayar prangkonya..”

saya: *MALUSAKMALU2NYA* “lho..tadi sepulu ribu itu nggak bareng ya??”

petugascewekyangmukanyaTAMBAHjudes: “ENGGAK MBAK!”

saya: T_T *memberii duit empat rebu dan segera ngaciiir…..*

aaaaaaaaakuuuu maaaluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu……

galagii2 deh ke kantor pos situuuu….T_T >.

dalam sepiku aku merinduMu

dalam galauku aku mengingatMu

maafkanlah lupaku,

cintailah aku dan lusuhku…

dalam rangkaku aku menghembusMu

dalam matiku aku hidup untukMu

jauh dariMu sungguh menyesakkanku

namun untuk menyandar, aku sungguh terhanyut.

menyibak indahMu membutakanku

jatuhku dalam cintaMu membersihkanku

terimalah janjiku meski aku sering mengecewakanMu

karena tanpaMu aku sesat,

aku bukan orang yang hebat…

Tuhanku, dalam sepiku aku merindumu

we’ll end in happiness. friends or not. =]

didn’t meet. just a simple phone call.

7! 7!! hahaha. lucky number 7!

akuu ini kenapa sii??-_-"

mbuleeeeeeettt aeeee darii kemaren >.<

sampee curhat ke monyedh pun akuu sebenernya udah ngerti jawapannya gimana. tapii tetep aja akunya mbuuuleeett….kek Euler circuit…>.<

this is not of my regular act.

no, definitely not.

udahlah, toh udah tau sama tau.

lha terus? kalo udah tau sama tau, terus apa?
apa? apaa?? apaaa??? apaaaaaaaaaa……?????

*repetisiMenunjukkanKegundahanMendalam*

masa’ udah jalan sejauu inii, tiba2 kudu puter balik lagi..?

ehh tapii.. aku kok jadi ragu jugak ya,, ini bener nggak sih akuu udah jalan jauu?? apa jangan2 akuu nya aja yang "sok2an" ngerasa udah jalan jauh padahal ya cuman jalan ditempat sambil muterin tempat berpijak sebelomnya. hah?
hah??

JENG JENG!!

gimana ini?

-_-"

please help me God…

lagyan,,doanya manjur bet sihh..?!?!bisa nahan ampe berbelas2 orang kek gini…>.<

ampuuuunnnn……akuu nyeraaaaahhhh…rahh..rahh..raaaaaahhh………
m(_ _)m

"hello..?"
                                                       
"hi…"
                                                
I knew this voice, but was it him?, "Oh my God..,, Lance….?? .. I didn’t think it was you… it’s.. umh.. emmhh…" I stopped. I was overwhelmed, I was confused, but most of all, I felt this burst of relief that my mind became so full of datum to even speak a word more.
                                                          
"… mmm…" he went silent for a moment,  but I knew he was smiling just  a little. "So.. how are you doing? "
                                                         
"me? I’m.. well, I’m fine Lance, how are you??" I pushed my back and got up heavily with great effort.
                                                      
"I’m okay Alice, I’m doing well.. Hey, were you sleeping when I called?? Is this a bad timing?? I really don’t want to be a disturbance.." he talked a little faster.
                               
I looked at the time next to my bed. It was 2 AM.

"It’s two in the morning, dear. Of course I was sleeping. And.. hey, you knew I was sleeping!", I thought to myself.
                                                         
Had I not known him very well, I would’ve rejected his call and finished the conversation in the first place. But this is Lance. Lance wouldn’t call anyone at two in the morning with no good reason. And in this case, it had  better be a damn good one.

"No..no, it’s okay Lance. It’s such a sudden, though. It’s late.., what’s the matter??"
                                                   
"I just want to know how you’re doing. Are you alright, Alice? It’s been a long time.." he talked with a calmer tone. But a hint of anxiousness in his voice just couldn’t fool my radar.
                                                
"No, Lance. It’s not that simple. There must be something. Something that bothers you… what is it Lance? Is there something wrong??" as I spoke, I felt an increasing amount of worries. My heart began to beat faster as I waited for his reply.
                                                
"I told you Al, I was just wondering about how you’re doing there.."
                                             
"Lance, I know you. You’re a man of a manner. You don’t call anyone just to know how he’s doing at two in the morning." I paused and smiled, "tell me..what’s tangling your mind..?" I softened my voice.
                                                
"Hahaha.. Yeah, I can never fool you, can’t I  Al?"  I can feel that he’s smiling wider over there. "Umh.. I… umh.. " he stopped and continued with more concern in his voice, "Really, are you alright Alice…? Is everything fine with you or your life?"
                                                       
I’ve known Lance for more than 2 years. And we spent more than half of it as lovers. I wasn’t exactly the best person he can fool. This time is different, I just couldn’t get through his mind. But still, I also couldn’t help myself to smile about it. We’ve been separated for months, yet I can’t get him out of my mind. He was the best I could love, and to know that he still cared so much for me that he called so late just to know my condition, was a wonderful feeling to have. And somehow, beneath this long distance between us, I can safely say that he also still feels the same way. He’s there. And I’m there too. I never left his heart. I still stood right there where we left each other for good.
                                        
"I’m alright Lancey. I’m okay. I’ve got everything under control." I tried to make the most determined sound over my voice. But I thought I was rather hideous.
                                                       
He exhaled in relax. "Okay then. I truly hope everything is fine Al. If you ever need anything, just tell me and I’ll do my best. I mean it, Alice. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you." Oh great. There he goes again, talking in his most strong, willing and determined voice. Did they teach him how to talk tough in front of his ex back in those military academy??
                                                
"I’m fiiiineee Lanceeyyy…I really am… But what brought you this late…? You’re a soldier. A real gentleman. You don’t call a girl  this late for no reason Lance..What is………." suddenly something struck my mind. "Wait…"
                                          
"what Al?"
                                          
"You…. You weren’t getting any nightmare about me were you Lance?", "Nor any bad feeling??" yes. this must be the answer. He did this a few times when we were together. He just couldn’t wait any longer to make sure that I was alright.
                                             
"Hah…? Ahaha. Really, I just can’t fool you.",
                                                   
"Well, I think you better get back to sleep Al. It was late and it’s even later now. The dawn’s about to break. I hope everything is really alright. I’ll call you some other time, okay?" oh no. He’s also doing this again. He always speaks fast when he wants to finish a conversation to avoid hard questions. I couldn’t let him do this. Well, he got into a military academy almost a year ago and couldn’t make any contact with anyone outside his school except in special occasions when he gets his holidays. Last time we spoke was like 4 months ago, we didn’t make any contact since, and all of a sudden he called my cellphone like HUNDREDS of time very early in the morning, just to ask if I was okay??? uh’ huh. No sir. I’m not letting him getaway. ha’!
                                                 
"Heyy heyyy…Not so fast you silly.. You’re going to tell me right now the real reason why you’re calling!"
                                        
"Ahaha, no Al. You’re tired. I can sense it. Just go to bed, I’m sure you’re having a tough day today as you always are. So it’s better for me to end this and let the Sweet Princess goes back to her beauty sleep, okay? see you soon Ali.."
                  
"But..But.."
                               
"Bye Al..take care!"
                                       
Lance turned off the phone. Damn!! I hated when he does that. He gets away really fast and I just couldn’t say anything. Now I’m staring at my cellphone thoughtfully. What-if’s and What-for’s came to my mind rapidly that I started to feel a great migraine over the right part of my head. I thought about his voice, I imagined his face and how he smiled in between words, how he’d look at me when he’s concerned, and how I actually missed him a lot.. like hell. I thought and I thought.. until I fell to sleep in my sitting position……